Being Emo

I am grateful for emo moments.

Yes, emo moments. Since puberty I've had them. And I've always blamed PMS for the longest time. But now...hmmm...I still blame hormones, or the lack of it. 

Every once in a while I make like a telenovela star and give in to a healthy dose of melancholy. A sprinkle of angst here, a pinch of self-pity there, and a dash of depression everywhere.

Maybe I'm a drama queen by nature--a closet drama queen that's not much into making PDA (public displays of angst) or bothering others about personal issues.

Personally, I think there are some feelings that are better sorted out when you let out a good cry...alone. Even though you're very well aware what's wrong in your life and you know how an enlightened person should think and act, you still feel an almost physical heaviness in your heart that just can't be lifted with even a thousand happy thoughts.

So when I feel this way, I entertain the blues. Purging them with the help of sad songs, romantic comedies, and Disney movies.

And while crying my eyes out and trying to breathe as I feel so very sorry for myself, that's when I would suddenly have an epiphany. Through the tears and the whispered prayers to God, I would feel lighter, think clearer. Realization slowly seeps in that I don't really have it that bad and I have a lot to be thankful for. Maybe you do actually have to hit bottom to bounce back up. Sadness may not be of God but it sure helps you find Him. :)

Not Only By Blood

I am grateful for family -- blood-related and otherwise.

When I think of family, I immediately think of my mom, my dad and my sister (and our dog!). Throughout my existence, they have always shown me what unconditional love is. With them I have a support group that will bail me out financially, defend me from haters, and always pray for my well-being. With them I am safe, with them I am always home. And although I oftentimes act like a brat, even in my adulthood, they still accept me for who I am. They're stuck with me. Good thing.

My family also extends to my cousins, aunt and uncles, who, although I see them only during reunions and special occasions, also provide a caring atmosphere whenever we're together. But then family doesn't need to be confined to just those related by blood or marriage. Friends who stick with you through thick and thin; who have proven time and again that they will be there for you when you need them; who gets you, your feelings, dreams, sense of humor and sense of fashion, and gives you straight up advice when you need it; and who simply want to share their lives with you and yours with them FOR REAL. I may not have that many friends like these, but the ones I have are more than enough for me.

I may be single now at 40 but with my family, I know that I will never be alone. I should be so lucky.

Decisions, decisions

I am grateful for choices.


The greatest power we have is the power to choose. God gave us free will and like Spiderman in the movie, with this power comes great responsibility. 

Every choice we have affects other people, and should I say, more importantly, ourselves. Whatever we decide to do shapes our lives and sometimes even the lives of others. And just as how someone's choice also affects our lives, we CAN DO something so we don't fall victim to circumstances. Choices can be as big as taking action to take yourself out of a situation or as seemingly simple as changing your perspective, your thoughts, your reaction.

When I got sick I had the following choices: get all depressed and blame God, other people & myself, for what happened to me; view the situation as an opportunity for healing and re-discovering my faith; or just go with the flow and see what happens. Well, I decided to go with box no. 2 and although I can't say that I came out a saint, I am ecstatic that I experienced a MIRACLE and a thousand and one light bulb moments that would hopefully help me get through the rest of my life as a better person. 

Sure, there are many bad days when I fall back to self-pity and helplessness. I sometimes stay in that state from an hour to a day to a week. But just DECIDING to stop entertaining horrible thoughts and realizing how good life still is, I have CHOSEN TO BE HAPPY. 

Yes, sometimes it's just that easy. Remembering it is the challenge.

The Time is Now

I am grateful for today.


I turned 40 a month ago. Although in my heart and in my mind I still feel 28, my slow metabolism and creaking knees tell me otherwise--that I can no longer just skip a meal to lose 5 lbs and that 3 flights of stairs cannot be my only exercise for the day.


Looking back at the past decade, I feel I gained some wisdom from all my experiences, but at the same time am as clueless as ever. I am wise enough to know some of the universal laws on thoughts and attitudes, forgiveness and letting go, but making this a way of life is still a struggle. Maybe I'm a closet drama queen or just perennially in denial, in any case, I know that now is a good a time as any to start walking the talk. And I shall begin with the so-called "attitude of gratitude".


It all starts with being grateful. So they say. Count your blessings. Because how the heck can you let yourself wallow in self-pity when you are blessed with so very, many kind and loving people in your life? Okay, so maybe they're really not that many but even just one person can make all the difference. And it doesn't even have to be another person. You have yourself and you have your God. 


I have me. I have me because I have God. Not to be preachy but I am very grateful for another chance at life. Two years ago, in December of 2009, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer. It was stage 1 going on stage 2. With the diagnosis and the surgery that followed it was the end of my dream of having a child of my own. Sure, there wasn't any prospective father in sight (that's another story) but, you know, it's...the end. So on what could have been the darkest time in my life, I found peace and I found faith. And I found my strength through the support of my family. They really are the coolest! 


So after this chapter, life went back to the way it was. All work, no "me" time. Screwed up priorities yet again. I am always torn between wanting to start anew and forget about the cancer because I am healed; and reminding myself each and every day of the miracle I was given. Anyway, I told you I'm still kinda messed up.

But like I said, the time is now...to make sense of life and to have a life. Sure, this is partly due to mid-life crisis, crazy hormones and early menopause. But hopefully, blogging will help bring forth realizations...for me and maybe even for someone out there in the same rescue boat on a vast, wavy ocean as me.